It was a cool evening. A calm evening. The type of evening where all was serene and still. The kind of night with no upending troubles forecast on the horizon. And no particular worries on the mind. Well, that’s how it all began at least.
As the usual array of faded car headlights crawled across the open freeway, I slumped back behind the wheel and lit up another smoke. It went some way in masking the strange flowery scent somehow emanating from the back of my car...
That's right. My ramshackle old vehicle sat parked up on the hill, housing an array of unwanted items that I probably should have cleaned out a long time ago. Used takeaway wrappers for two. A pair of broken high-heeled shoes that were surely too big for my lumbering feet. And several crushed beer cans strewn beside an empty bottle of rosé. Which was strange...
...because I always hated rosé.
Clearly, my mind was in a haze. My body felt rough and tired. And yet, none of that seemed to matter once I casually glanced out through the windscreen, and peered up at the sky.
I felt uneasy, suddenly. Something was out there...
And it was, I dare say...beautiful.
The inner-child in me was left awe-struck. Bowled over almost. All whilst I sat there as the ripened middle-aged man I am today, slowly scratching away at the stubble on my chin.
For you see, an enigmatic beam of light had appeared in the sky, gleaming like a rare diamond. The light hung right above me. Above my old car looking down from the hill, and above the heads of all the lonely night folk drifting through the city. Was it a plane? A reflection of the moon, perhaps? Something...out of this world!?
No. No it can't have been. In-fact, it was so much more than that.
The light in the sky was majestical. Earth-shatteringly magnificent in a sense I could never aptly describe. The way it dangled so triumphantly. The seamless manner in which it cut through the darkness, eclipsing both the moon and the stars.
I soon exited my vehicle to take a better look...
*
Several minutes passed with my eyes fixed skywards, my entire body frantically fixated upon the unknown spectacle above. There was no one else in sight. And for the strangest of moments, I thought the light was growing bigger. So big that it would swallow me up and shoot me out into the heavens. But, no. The brilliant beacon just stayed there.
Quiet, still and totally undisturbed.
After another minute or so of earnest sky-gazing I eventually made my way back inside the car. Yet, something profoundly bizarre had taken place by the time I rubbed my eyes and examined myself in the rear-view mirror. I don’t exactly know how to put this. And I will forgive you now if what I am about to say may seem unbelievable...
But whilst I had been distracted by the dazzling light in the sky...
...with the cars rolling by under the eerie cover of nightfall...
...get this, guys...
...a fully formed beard had inexplicably sprouted right across my face!
That's right, a beard. A great big beard. Equipped with a burly set of side-burns, a pair of beastly mutton-chops, and a walrus-inspired moustache, too!
How was this possible!? I pinched myself over and over again, attempting to awaken from this strange nonsensical nightmare. But it was no good. The beard remained in all its glory. Big, bushy, and oh so very macho-like. Enough to give even the most rugged of seasoned lumberjacks a strong run for their money...
But, seriously...
...what had just happened!?
Had I just been abducted? Apprehended? Kidnapped by aliens!?
Yes, aliens...
...that would do.
With little clue or wherewithal as to what was going on, I decided to re-engage the engine and race back home to my wife. I could always count on her to help explain away these things. She was always so understanding, and so forgiving too.
But, as chance would have it, my beloved wife was already waiting outside by the time I pulled up on the driveway. Standing beside two stacked suitcases with all her belongings packed and ready to go…
“Guess what…?” I cried out with wild disbelief, “…you’ll never guess what happened! There was this big light in the sky, a huge light! I had to get out of the car to take a better look, babe. It might have been...well, aliens for all I know! And when I did, get this... a huge beard just appeared on my face out of nowhere!”
“I don't care about your beard, Roger…” she replied with a sigh, “…I've decided that I can't do this anymore, ok? I'm leaving you...”
"But, babe..." I stuttered, "...what do you mean you're leaving me...?"
"I just can't do this anymore..." she repeated, with her back turned away and her warm fur coat firmly applied, "...you have been missing for three weeks, Roger. Three weeks! We already talked about this, didn't we? I can't stand your silly lies anymore, I can't stand anymore of your crazy stories! You will never leave me waiting like that again...you hear!?"
Suddenly all my self-assured confidence had dissipated. All my well rehearsed lines and preprogrammed facial expressions had fallen by the wayside. For it was in that precise moment that I realised one of two things. Either I was still locked within the midst of another strange and ludicrous fantasy. Or maybe, and perhaps most likely...
....my sorry excuses for being a terrible husband were finally starting to catch up with me.
My wife was right. There had been no light in the sky. No magical beard that had abruptly appeared out of nowhere. No little green extraterrestrial fellas either, I'm afraid.
Just another loser out on the town on yet another three week bender. A man praying his wife back home would not see through his erroneous alibi...
But she had done exactly that.
She had tumbled my phoney house of cards in a matter of seconds.
And now, the only light in my life that ever truly mattered...
...was gone.
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