I awoke with a startle. The sound of clenched fists rapped heavily upon my door as I stirred beneath the bed sheets. I was not ready for this. My head continued to pound with the beating hooves of a thousand angry horses. Whilst the room itself, remained filled with best forgotten remnants from the night before.
Eventually I staggered to my feet, rubbing my weary eyes as I sought about finding some clothes to wear. What on earth had happened last night? Where were the two lovely women I had spent the evening with? What had they done with my precious belongings?
And why was I still standing there completely naked!?
Several discarded items of clothing had been left strewn across the bedside dresser, along with an old muddy walking boot, two empty bottles of red wine, and a large loaf of bread with a bite taken out. But, alas, man can not live on bread and wine alone.
There were no signs of my car keys either. My wallet and my wrist-watch were suspiciously missing too. Each item had disappeared just like the two unnamed women who had shared my bed. And oh, how that pair of enticing temptresses had sent my mind on something of a troublesome tailspin.
Both women had offered me a sample of their forbidden fruits and told me that I was the apple of their eye. They had each filled my soul with an unholy passion, only to leave me stranded the following morning without any underwear. I have no idea what had gotten into me. I had always been a philistine for one night stands in the past.
And now I knew why...
Within all this excitement one thing would remain, however. The angry pounding at my door refused to go away. It came accompanied this time by an onslaught of raised voices fumbling over one another outside in the corridor, leaving me in something of a quandary.
But still, I daren't not face the music.
Instead I found myself bundling over to the open window...
Now, I must admit...it was hardly the land of milk and honey out there. Two stray donkeys had arrived upon the grassy knoll. I could have sworn that one of them had spoken to me. Either that, or my imagination was starting to play tricks. What was perhaps more clear, however, was the burning bush situated right outside my window.
Someone must have had some real fun last night.
One of the donkeys perhaps...
A broken stool and several more half drunk bottles of wine littered my path as I headed for the wardrobe. 'Let there be light!' I spoke aloud, reaching for the nearby switch amid more mindless clutter. But that was the moment when I finally heard them...
"Hurry up!" came an abrupt voice on the other side of the door, "...you have a sermon to give!"
Of course! How could I have been so careless!? It was Sunday morning, after all.
My time to shine...
I made a swift grab for the spare robe hanging up in the closet and proceeded to fasten my collar. Soon after I hastily unlocked the big wooden door and barged past the two choirboys waiting outside. There was barely enough time to observe the sense of astonishment on each of their little faces. I had to make my way down to the pulpit.
*
"Good morning everyone..." I muttered.
My head was still thumping away uncontrollably.
My words were more than just a little slurred...
"Sorry to leave you all waiting..." I spoke once again, "...I hope the past week was a wholesome one for you all. And that your imminent days will be filled with even more blessed tidings to come."
Yet that's when I recognised several significant faces standing out from the crowd...
The irate farmer whose donkeys I had drunkenly led astray. The local baker whose fresh bread I had shamefully raided in the early hours of the morning. And the two tempered husbands, whose pair of sheepish looking wives had only recently stripped me of all my clothes and spent the night beneath my bed sheets!
"A word of advice for you all..." I proceeded, turning to a random page of my bible and hoping for the best, "...hmmm, let me see now. Ah yes..."
"It is not for kings..." I motioned suddenly, "...it is not for kings to drink wine, nor is it for rulers to crave beer. For if they drink, they may forget the law and not give justice to the oppressed..."
"..."
"...let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish, and the holy spirit for those who need it most. But yet, when I say 'holy spirit'..." I repeated, holding up a half consumed bottle of whiskey previously housed inside my robe,
"...let it be for this kind of spirit, the holiest spirit of all!"
With that, the all-important die had been cast. No longer were the congregation willing to turn the other cheek. The writing was already on the wall, as they say. And now, the floodgates of anger and resentment had sprung open to disastrous effect.
As the congregation slowly rose to their feet and began reaching for their imaginary pitchforks, I left the pulpit...and I ran. I fled the scene with fire and brimstone reigning down upon me, catching me at every corner and taunting me at every turn. But still I ran. All the way to the ends of the Earth.
What happened to the old sentiment; eat, drink and be merry?
Was I really such a dreaded evildoer in the eyes of those who had judged me?
And was an eye for an eye truly such a just reward!?
No. No I think not...
For by the sweat of my brow and the spikes in my thorny crown...
...even a sinner like me...
...deserves a good night out on the town!
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